For the longest time I can recall longing to just be that super-woman for someone. Wanting to just be the HERO for the day. I could go on and on about what I imagined I wanted to do when I was growing up. Sad thing is I think I am still growing up, wait I know I am still growing up, because each day I learn something new from a child that was just like me a zillion year's ago.
6 year's ago I had a very intense conversation with my mother just a few hours before she would die within an instant alone on the dark city street as she made her way to work at the local downtown hospital. I remember crying up a storm as I spoke to her because I felt I had no purpose, a disappointment in her eyes and a disappointment to my children. My mom was very oh let's say 100% real with me. She said I am going to ask you a serious question. Is everything you are doing right now really worth it? Is it worth the amount of money you are making. At the time I was making great cash. My mom then went on to tell me "If you were to die today what can you say to God when he asked you why do you deserve to be there?" I stood on that phone that night and was in pure silence but I honestly could not answer. A few hours later my mom passed away.
After I returned from placing my mom into the ground and trying to pretend as if I was the grown up, for once I realized no one is going to help me be that HERO I have to be it myself. I have to go get my sorry tail end up and just do it. I quit my job, took a HUGE and I mean HUGE financial hit and enrolled into college after being out of school for over 25 years.
I could have enrolled to be anything I wanted why not I could chalk it all up to a midlife crisis right?
I chose to be a social worker. My husband swore I was having a nervous break down but I myself thought I was in total control. I knew my heart was there, I knew what the end game would be. A life time of robbing Peter to pay Paul, countless nights of spaghetti and mac-n-cheese because a social worker life is not well let's say the golden egg. But I felt this burning desire, this push as if my Momma was actually just picking each one of my legs up and walking me that way.
After I graduated I could have worked any where and done anything. But Community Mental Health was calling my name. The pay is embarrassing to mention, benefits are amazing with kids that was a plus, the work is so stressful and the hours are always unpredictable at best. But there was something about it. Maybe because I wished I had all those supports when I was growing up on the poorest side of what could be classified as a Normal Rockwell painting Almost Heaven West Virginia. Or......just maybe because there were so many variables about community mental health. So many possible outcomes and so many possible good things that could come out of it.
The kids I would encounter were from all walks of life. Some poor, some in the middle and some well they had more money in their pockets than I would collect in a year. Funny thing about mental illness it doesn't discriminate.
Have you ever wondered why kids do the things they do? For me it was bullying, no big secret my obsession with that. Everyone knows that the subject alone gets really deep within my skin and just festers until I can't take it a second longer. As a momma the pure agony I felt when I saw my own children hurt, I could not help but wonder how many other momma's felt the same agony and hopelessness as myself. I remember shortly after my son was attacked I would have to take anti-anxiety pills and sleeping pills at night because I laid in bed for hours over the guilt of what happened to him. Now that I think about it I am sure as a mother I probably suffered from PTSD myself and the attack didn't even happen to me. IMAGINE how he must have and continues to feel.
I often wondered what toll does this have on their minds as mothers watch their babies head off to school knowing that they are dying inside because of fear.
What once is a healthy and joyful kiddo now displays feelings of despair, lack of self worth and hopeless that anything will ever be better in their life. If you live in the inner city most folk expect kids to be roaming the streets, disrespectful, from broken homes, on food stamps and the list could go on and on. Trust me I know I was one of those kids remember a zillion years ago. If you live further out in the half a million homes "my kid would never smoke that wacky-weed, take a razor and cut herself, or better yet beat the life snot out of non suspecting kid". WRONG! It happens every where and it has nothing to do with what you have and do not have.
But my question is what is the Pre Cursor! These kids don't just wake up one day and say Oh I feel depressed, I feel anxious, I feel like I am going to go to school and cause all kids of madness today just because I feel like it. What was the domino that caused all the rest to fall to pieces?
- Parents are struggling to make ends meet, coming home exhausted by the stress of the day. No time to tend to their kids to show that quality of love and guidance they might need. I say this from personal experience and not that all parents are like this I might add.
- Kids are tuned in more socially on electronic devices than ever been before. They lose that social connection of a good ole face to face conversation, the game of kick the can, tip the cow whatever!
- Teachers are bogged down with the need to have increased test scores, packed like sardine kids in the classes and not enough resources they really can't look at the big picture.
If a kid comes to school and is bullied or the bully ask yourself this:
Do they have enough resources such as proper clothing, shelter or food?
Do they have a pre-existing medical condition that is being left untreated such as diabetes?
Are they witness to in home violence such as mother or father being beaten or doing drugs?
Are they experiencing any type of abuse at home?
Do they have a undiagnosed mental health issue that they need assistance with?
Over the past few year's my family has faced a lot of tragedy and each day we get up thank God for allowing us a reset and we head out to make a change. Is it always the most popular, financially rewarding thing to do? Probably not, but I can tell you when I lay down at night I know if I should pass I can confidently answer the question mom asked of me 6 short years ago. This is NOT just a JOB for me this is my life, my path which was chosen for me to travel and I walk it proudly. We all have our own passions, our own destinies to fulfill and well this is mine. A young lady at work today was preparing for our yearly talent show. She sang a song about Angels and it just sent chills down my spine and I am not going to lie I cried a little as well. Here is a young lady struggling with mental health and numerous other struggles and she still stands tall and sings her praise. How mighty and rewarding is that! Often I feel as if my momma is standing beside me going in her He-Haw voice that is my girl.
I will never regret becoming a social worker and putting in the blood sweet and tears I do every day. Do I wish it paid more, well heck yeah I do but for now it is what it is. Over the past few years it is hard to tell how many lives I have changed with just that simple reassurance, that voice of reason, that pull yourself up by your britches talk and basically the "Listen I am not your momma but I am going to give you momma advice". I have cried for these children, I have laughed with these children and I have sat by their sides as they struggled with depression, anxiety and thoughts of just ending it all and if asked if I would do it all over again you bet your undies I would.
All I ask of you is let's not all be so quick to judge one's journey because some have a little bit bumpier roads than others.
